Cheap Therapy...

I began this post really truly feeling like I needed a vacation from my life. The job hunt is definitely weighing on me more and more heavily lately. Some women feel their biological clocks ticking deafeningly in their ears. Well I think I have a career clock, and it’s ticking so loudly I can hardly hear anything else. I’m desperate to find an employment home. Nothing would make me happier then to find a job I could love, for an organization I wanted to grow with. I’m beginning to grow impatient and starting to feel desperate. I feel emotional and tired. Since the beginning of my hunt I’ve strived to remain positive. I felt strong in the belief that I was talented and a catch for any employer. Even when the rejections came rolling in, I tried to look at the bright side. Attempting to keep my chin up, and remain optimistic.

Well, tonight all the emotions I’ve been holding back, and keeping in check spilled over.

My closest friend is on the verge of securing an amazing job. A job that has been specifically created for her. One she will be amazingly brilliant at. She has worked so hard, has amassed so much experience, knows her STUFF. No one deserves it more! I’m so happy for her.

And I’m jealous. What about me? When will it be my turn?

My siblings called me tonight. My brother and his girlfriend were visiting my sisters in Ottawa. They were having a great time together. Eating, drinking, and laughing. My sisters were finally getting a chance to meet my brother’s amazing girlfriend. They missed me. They called to say hello. I was so happy that they were able to be together, and that they were having such a good time.

And I was jealous. What about me? When will it be my turn?

So tonight I cried. I cried for the career I feel like I will never find. I cried for my family that I miss so much. I cried because I feel mediocre. I cried because I’m tired. I feel like I’m running in place as fast as I can, and I’m not getting anywhere.

So I sat down in front of my computer and decided to write a rant about how I needed a vacation from my life. I began to rail about how I wanted to be more than just a SAHM. How I was so frustrated because I wanted to succeed, accomplish, contribute, make my mark. I began to whine, and moan about how I was swimming upstream in a river of crap, and that someone better throw me a life preserver before I drowned. I was primed and ready to host a festive fun filled pity party!

But then I just couldn’t continue.

Although right now I am REALLY not in the mood to count and acknowledge the blessings in my life, I know they are there. I know I am lucky in lots of ways.

EXTREMELY LUCKY!

So in good conscience I just couldn’t continue. By writing those first few paragraphs, it got me thinking about how lucky I am, and that if I continued to rant I’d just sound spoiled, petty and ungrateful. So many people are so much worse off than me.

Does that mean I don’t have any right to feel the way I do? Well the funny thing about feelings is that they are what they are, all you can do is deal with them in the best possible way. For some it is therapy, but for those who can’t afford to talk to a professional, I have a suggestion.

WRITE!

Those first few paragraphs that have now been erased were so cathartic. I feel like the demons have been released. Just dump it all out onto the page and you’ll feel better. At least, for a little bit.

So I end this therapy session with promises of mirth and merriment to come. See, even though I need a serious vacation getaway from my mortal coil, I recently got a mini break.

Here is a sneak peak picture.



Be ready to wish you were there, well for most of it anyway.

Rejecting reality and substituting my own,

Mandy:)