Thursday, July 22, 2010

Yuck it up!

Well, the suckfest continues as I am still on the hunt for full time employment. I guess I must have really pissed off the Job Gods with my last rant, because I haven’t been contacted to come in for an interview since. The response I got from those of you, who read my little diatribe, was just further confirmation that I’m not the only one who is seriously frustrated. So, to help lift the spirits of every hardworking, desperate, tired of being rejected, JUST HIRE ME PLEASE, job hunter out there, here is a true story that will bring a smile to your face, and hopefully fill you with confidence before your next interview.

About a month ago I was in the middle of a serious mope. It had been a week since I had been last rejected and I was taking it as confirmation of my worst fears. I had zero job skills, was completely devoid of personality and was destined to spend the rest of my days as a Wal-Mart Greeter. Sinking me further into my downward spiral, I was coming down with a cold. My throat was scratchy, and the telltale feelings of pressure building in my sinuses had begun.

I was lying on the couch feeling seriously sorry for myself when the phone rang. It was a firm I had applied to a few days earlier wanting to know if I had time for a quick over-the-phone interview.


Just give me a minute to discretely clear my throat so I don’t sound like a 50 year old smoker, and wipe the fountain of mucus that had recently taken the place of where my nose used to be located.

Dragging my butt off the couch, I turned on the personality, assured her I was not busy at all and proceeded to answer her questions. At the end she asked me if I was available to come in the next day at 4:00 pm for an interview.

Rule #1 in the Job Hunting Handbook: ALWAYS SAY YES!

“Mrs. Allen, would you be available for a skills test tomorrow at noon?”

“Yes, of course!”

“Mrs. Allen, would you mind running through our company maze, so we can judge your problem solving abilities?”

“Oh, how fun! I’d love to!”

“Mrs. Allen, could we please have a sample of your DNA so we can clone you, and get two employees for the price of one?”

“Wow, what a great idea! Here, let me help you with that cotton swab.”

After assuring the woman on the phone that 4:00 pm would not be a problem, and arranging for last minute childcare, I was feeling pretty good. Well, for about a nanosecond. Then the adrenalin high wore off and I started feeling sick again. Actually, I started feeling REALLY sick. My cold symptoms were rapidly mutating into flu like symptoms. I was feeling nauseous, and my head was pounding. My husband sent me to bed.

Every job coach will tell you that it is of the utmost importance to get a good night sleep before a job interview, so that your mind will be sharp and you look your best. Apparently, my body was unaware of this tidbit of wisdom, because I spent the whole night in and out of the bathroom, or lying in bed with a cold washcloth over my eyes willing the medication to banish the splitting pain that had taken up residence behind my eyeballs.

The next day I felt like death warmed over. The headache was gone, but my throat still felt like sandpaper, my nose was stuffed solid and I was bone tired. I steered my body toward the couch, intent on getting a bit of rest before I had to leave for my interview. Well, as much rest as any mother of a toddler can expect.

At about noon I hauled my mouth breathing, hacking, and mucus filled body off the couch to make myself presentable. Heading into the bathroom to tackle the beast who resides on the top of head (also known as my hair) I glanced in the mirror to find my face was COVERED in a red, raised, hive-like rash! While in horror over my face, I turned my head to find the biggest most disgusting zit of my life growing out of the side of my neck. This zit was big! Think bug bites, chicken pox, boils! It looked like it was alive! I mean seriously! Never in my entire semi-charmed life had I been cursed with a zit of this size.

Okay, so now you are probably thinking, “Why didn’t she just call in and reschedule? They would have understood!”

WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY!!! This was a job interview! An event so difficult to obtain an invitation to in this economy that short of Armageddon, you suck it up and go! River of blood, get a boat. The sun is blotted out, get a flashlight. Plagues of pocks and boils, welcome to my world, slap on the cover up and get in the car!

Alright, so off to my interview I go. Three hours of sleep, breathing through my mouth, sounding like a lifelong smoker, a hideous rash all over my face, and a zit on the side of my neck the size of Jupiter. Yes siree, I’m feeling confident and ready to wow them! Or maybe someone could just shoot me and put me out of my misery!

Oh man, I dug deep! I spent the intervals between questions drinking tea, and discreetly coughing and wiping my nose (while trying not to wipe the makeup off that was covering the pestilence on my face). But in the end, the interviewer loved me. Immediately, I was asked to come back Monday to meet with the President and VP of the company.

Yay, a happy ending, right?! The moral of the story, overcome any obstacle and you will be rewarded, right? Well, not really.

For those who’ve read “It’s a great big suckfest”, you know that they ultimately chose another candidate. All that and I received another rejection for my troubles. Perhaps it was because I was feeling better and my face had totally cleared up before I went in for my second interview. I had lost my bad luck mojo. Maybe, I should have rubbed some bacon on my neck, to make sure the second head growing there stuck around? Lesson learned.

Now do you feel better about your last job interview? Feeling confident and strong and ready to go knock it out of the park for your next one? GREAT! I'm glad that nightmare was good for something.

The butt of an ongoing universal joke,


glennmacneil said...

save this one mandy its a keeper for a short book intitled "JOB SEARCH AFTER THE MELTDOWN" a short review of the problems finding a job after the financial crunch of 2009. Great blog Mandy

Anonymous said...

Your description is so vivid that I can't get the picture out of my mind. Well done!!!

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