Friday, August 6, 2010

To Those Who Hire...

What do you think loyal readers? Am I wrong?

Dear Perspective Employers,

There are millions of unemployed Americans desperately hoping to fill one of your open positions. Like me, they are pouring over your posted ads daily, applying and reapplying, hoping and praying that they will finally find the solution to their problems. So on behalf of all of us, I’m hoping this letter will clear up a few of your misconceptions.

It is NOT okay to run an ad asking for an administrative assistant who has a lifetime of experience, can type faster than the speed of light, holds an advanced degree in neuroscience, can speak three languages, and is an organizing savant, and then pay them barely over minimum wage. If you are looking for a straight out of college, entry level employee, then feel free to pay them dirt. However, just because there are a lot of really desperate people out there who will take any pay you are willing to give them, just so they can keep a roof over their heads and food on the table, doesn’t mean you can use it as an excuse to score a deal on a premium, top shelf employee.

Also, if you are hoping this amazing godlike employee will join your company, it might help if you included in your ad the name of your company, what you do, and where you are located. How else, I ask you, will this superb specimen of work ethic know if they have any familiarity with your industry? I know that the pestering down-on-their-luck masses of the unemployed can surely drive you crazy with their squeaky-wheel-gets-the-grease mentality of job hunting, but when your ad reads,

“We need administrative assistant to do office type stuff. We pay good money. Send resume.”

You might want to expound a little bit. Lest you be mistook for one of the lower then pond scum scammers, who take advantage of desperate people, by trying to trick them into taking false credit checks, only to steal their financial information and rob them blind…. GRRRRRR.

Okay breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth, blood pressure receding, rage is subsiding.

Finally, quit it with the resume, cover letter, supplemental questions, urine sample, pint of blood and promise of first born to be named after your company application process. I know it can be a very hard task screening potential employees and making sure they are everything they claim to be, but let’s get real. Is it really necessary to have an applicant explain in 100 words or less why they really want to work for your company above all others? I can tell you why in seven words,


Please don’t make them spew a bunch of nonsense about how working in a manufacturing company specializing in plastic cutlery is their dream career. Yes, plastic forks and knives are my life’s passion! Honestly, what’s not to love? Please, corporate America! I am begging you! Let’s just be real! People are applying to your job opening because YOU HAVE ONE AND THEY NEED TO PAY THEIR BILLS!

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I’m sorry for its sometimes rant-like nature. I do hope it will make it easier for everyone out their looking to hire or be hired.

Your running partner in the lifelong rat-race,

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